Everyone gets old, and that just sucks. In this series of blog posts, nay, articles, I will attempt to help ease the transition from easy youth to crotchety old hag/bastard as much as I can.
You might have an objection. "Hey! This guy isn't old! WTF! I'm gonna TYPE IN ALL CAPS!!!" Well, actually, I'm older than you would think. I like drinking tea instead of coffee, I enjoy Cheerios, Cream of Wheat, and other mushy breakfast foods. My favorite channel is National Geographic, I prefer to spend the night in reading than going out, and I dream about throwing things at kids who play in my lawn.
Convinced? Thank you.
I will now attempt to educate you on what getting old has in store for you, and I will do it through the miracle of the written word!
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| And gratuitous use of Google Image Search |
Being older than my years, I am in a unique position. I am baffled by current trends in youth culture and behavior as much as the next World War II veteran, but at the same time I'm capable of using most modern technologies. I text, tweet, and book faces.
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| Now that I fixed that, where does the stamp go? |
Twitter, like it or not, is a huge part of our lives. It has revolutionized the way we communicate with each other, the way we get our news, and how public relations is managed.
But seriously, sometimes, it's just ridiculous.
I recently began following rapper Wiz Khalifa on Twitter, and I have to say it has caused quite a bit of frustration in my life, because young Khalifa man is the worst trending topic Twitterer ever.
Again, loving public, you ask me: "Why did you even follow a hip hop musical artist?"
Because I love his music. I do. And because the other musicians I follow provide me with some hilarious, interesting, and sometimes informational tidbits and musings about their daily lives.
It's nice to get random grammatical errors and complaining about hoes in between reading informative articles about the state of green architecture in New York City.
But Wiz, man, he just goes too far.
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| We get it, you have enough money to never work. |
Seriously, #YouKnowYoureWhackWhen was trending the other day, and Wiz posted about it so much that when someone said something about a Whack-A-Mole at work later that night, the very sound of the work made me physically ill.
It gets much worse, dear devoted reader. Wiz then sometimes decides that a topic needs to trend, and so tweets to his followers:
"C'mon y'all! Let's make #GimmeYoGrillCheez a trending topic!"
Mr. Khalifa then proceeds to post ad nausea about how he wants someone else's grilled cheese really bad, and then retweets as many of his followers' tweets about the same topic over and over again until the topic is a verified, bonafide twitter trend.
Imagine scrolling through all this mess on your smartphone, while you're looking for the latest update on middle eastern politics from @NPRInskeep.
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| This makes me more angry than constructive Social Security reform! |
I hear what you're asking, dear reader. "If it's such a huge problem for you, why don't you just unfollow him, and quit taking up Internet with your nonsense and babbling?"
What? Even I want to get retweeted by a celebrity. Even if his hashtags cause me physical pain.
I was quoted recently as saying that social media is (or has the potential to be) the new oral tradition. Because of this somewhat dogmatic proclamation, I have decided to participate whole heartedly, and try to be an example of the good aspects of social media,as opposed to the bad.
With that as my mission statement, I will do my best to refrain from whining as much as possible,and instead make my goals the same as those of the old style storytellers: to amuse, distract, and perhaps educate.
Watch this space, I'm sure I'll find something to put here.
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